Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me if I was a dog
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge