Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.