Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
checking out some reviews of my local library
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.