*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.