Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.