My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
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Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.