said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.