You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
“What movie?” 🤔
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.