“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Lmao the reply
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.