[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
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Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.