Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
According to math, I’m broke
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.