During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
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Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands