Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
You Might Also Like
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING