FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
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a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids