Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed