15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Breaking news:
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
scares