i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Yup
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.