You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
what?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“I wouldn’t.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius