[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*