-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
You Might Also Like
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Note to self: I am a note
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes