you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You Might Also Like
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much