A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.