the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
You Might Also Like
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
The French cow says MEUX…
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
You are not alone 💚