I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
The struggle is real.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.