yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
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Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Goodnight 🐶
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)