Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
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Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
me before I type out affect or effect
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.