[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
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I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.