buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
You Might Also Like
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me: