choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to