Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy