Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
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Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.