Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.