I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Self-cleaning conscience