No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Rooting for the overdog
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old