don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
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Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?