Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I need better friends
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
me
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts