My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
The news in a nutshell.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.