Life cycle of cat
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
#MeanwhileinCanada
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.