Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Yup.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.