I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you