“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing