The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
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Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick