[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
this has done me in for some reason
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Want to talk trash? Recycle.