FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
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If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
crazy
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway