look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
You Might Also Like
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon