*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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So that’s what we looked like?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*bites zombie*
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u