My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
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if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.