good for her
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Always…
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥