People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
doing your own taxes
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time