If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.